Monday, March 22, 2010

who the eff is...

Sometimes the weirdest thing you hear on the radio is not the 12 yr. old singing "thought you'd always be mine" about his first love. I mean, it's obviously ridiculous, but to be fair, what else does a 12 yr. old have to sing about? Unless he's one of the more imbalanced 12 yr. olds, there won't be any songs concerning drugs, sex, booze, sketchy past experiences, and those years gone and passed.
No. What's weird is the little rap bridge performed by Ludacris where he reminisces about his first broken heart at 13. Really Ludacris? I mean, I'm not your biggest fan or anything, but you're a platinum artist who's been in Academy Award winning movies. By doing songs with fly by night Justin Beiber, you're just denigrating yourself.
Is this what celebrity is nowadays? Clinging to the teen pop flavor of the week in order to stay relevant? And what does it say about society that we'll forget you unless you do something with the teen pop flavor of the week? Why do i even know about the teen pop flavor of the week?! ...oh, right. my guilty pleasure is TMZ. ...and Jessie was hanging out on the beach with him.
but i'd know who he is anyway because of all the radio chatter i've heard and billboards i've seen!
maybe it's just me, but would it be so bad if we talked about more important things? something i need to know like the time and channel of the president's speeches or the death toll in Iraq. ya know, something a little more important than who's the next kid we'll be replacing (and forgetting) when he turns 18. Aaron Carter? anyone? anyone?

Thursday, March 18, 2010

The Envelope Theory

Much like the the Grassy Knoll Theory, The Envelope Theory is deficient in logic and shrouded in mystery.

The Crime Scene (?):

The table in the lobby at the sister company next door.


1 FedEx Envelope set (thrown?) down to be picked up for delivery

1 Phone System gone wonky

The Theory:

Someone (or I) tossed the envelope on the table and, in the process, hit the button on the phone causing it to go into Night Mode*.


couldn't this just be the result of a technical glitch, like we origianally suspected?

NO! this theory was pulled fresh out of my ass! there's no way anything else could have happened! besides, it's not like the repair man has been called several times before!


ok, so basically, coworkers start coming into the front office wondering what's up with the phones. why are they getting emails about them not working?

my office mate and i look at the phone to see it is in Night Mode. Neither one of us set it to Night Mode, and we're the only ones with Night Mode buttons. so we call the phone company.

while we wait for a repair man, The Envelope Theory is revealed. and at first, i accept The Envelope Theory. and had it not been for the condescending manner in which The Envelope Theory was introduced, i probably would have set it out of my mind and moved on. but i had been rubbed the wrong way, thus inciting the need to put things right.

whilst doing my mind-numbingly dull work, my mind began churning out logic. if it happened when i put down an envelope yesterday, how had we recieved calls earlier in the morning? since then, how had the phone set itself to Break Mode? twice? were people now throwing envelopes at it for sport? unless they've moved tho phone, then i would have had to have tossed the envelope toward the left. i'm right handed, so that didn't happen. and finally, as my office mate pointed out, the trajectory is all wrong! the button is just high enough that for it to be hit by an envelope, the envelope would have to be tossed at a very peculiar angle.

the evidence just doesn't add up.

see?!!! Grassy Knoll all over again people!

*When in Night Mode, the phone doesn't ring and goes straight to voicemail.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

fun for children

the creators of children's programming are perverted. i could pick from any of a thousand instances as evidence, but i'm going to use the one i just heard.

a table full of children were singing a song with some guy (or possibly lady) in a rabbit suit where they leave one word out each round. what they ended up with was "Little Peter ____ had a _____ upon his ____."

"well, that's all good and fine, Chelsea (and yes, rather disturbing)," you may be saying. "but what the fuck are you doing watching programming designed for 5 year olds?"

three words. my autistic brother. oops! i mean he's a person with autism. (yeah, i'm a really laid-back person who gets over things quickly. really.)