Sunday, July 26, 2009

Open Letter to Those I've Blocked

Dear Everyone,

if i've blocked you on facebook, it means i would not like to hear from you ever again.

if i've blocked you, and everyone you know, i am now pretending you never existed. so you see how i might find it rather inconvenient if you keep emailing or texting me on my birthday. seeing your name in my inbox is simply a nuisance.

if you find that the urge to contact me is still irresistible, might i suggest dropping yourself off a building.

seeing as i've blocked you, you're probably one of those smug, self-righteous assholes who wouldn't be able to identify sage advice if it walked up and bit you in the face (which would be rather admirable of the sage advice). in fact, you would probably demonstrate precisely why you're so contemptible and argue vehemently to the contrary. hence it is only part of your loathsome nature to blatantly disregard my suggestion and continue fouling up my inbox.

so if you must, please DO NOT send a message such as this:

we will now examine the above example and i shall indicate the points that make it truly obnoxious.

1) "-B" <-- pretension like that takes years of practice.
2) you see that line right above the pretentious signature? yeah, that's what you call a salutation. it belongs at the beginning, moron.
3) "title says it all." <-- then why the fuck did you keep writing?! i mean, i'm bewildered as to why you wrote at all, but why waste the time fumbling on?
4) "all's well?" <-- well, it was until i had to waste my time deleting this email. jerk.
5) "so now that i got a moment, swinging in to say a late happy birthday." this part is so annoying it needs further segmentation.
       a) why on earth do you still think of me when you have a moment? PLEASE DON'T. it would be better for everyone if you found something else to do with your moments. preferably solitaire.
       b) this is an email. you're not swinging in from anywhere. and i'd get a restraining order if you did.
       c) creepiness factor. really? ever since 2 weeks ago (my birthday), when you were too busy, you've been thinking, "i've gotta email her!" again i will reiterate: please don't think of me- ever.
6) this one's the big one. 2 weeks have passed. my birthday is long forgotten by now. i'm shocked to see ANYTHING referring to my birthday. and then it has to be this. it's a surprise attack! unforgivably obnoxious.

oh, and if you DON'T heed my warning, and DO send an email such as this, know that you will be blocked.

(sigh) why do i waste my time? we both know you're a self-serving prick and will continue to try contacting me until i realize how wonderful you are.


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