walk in my old shoes

so i just came in from lunch. late. because i was at a really good part in the book. well, all the parts are good. but that's beside the point.

the point is this. i gathered my things. i kept reading. i stood up. i kept reading. i turned around and walked to the door. i kept reading. and it was at this point that i didn't stop reading, but i had a feeling i haven't felt in years. i suddenly remembered ages 10-19, literally walking around reading. i would wake up and start reading. i would brush my teeth reading. i would walk through school hallways, dodging people, reading. i would even shower, with the door partly ajar, book propped on the toilet, towel nearby so i could turn pages with a dry hand. on the weekends, when i didn't have to sleep, i wouldn't. i would just keep reading.

and then, suddenly, that stopped. i don't know when it stopped. i can't mark the time or place. i just stopped reading like i used to. in fact, i stopped reading good old fashioned books in their booky form completely. e-books, and audio books as of late. but no sitting down with bound paper.

and this has bugged me. i mean, it really has bugged me. but it's one of those things that just nags at the back of your head and you just keep saying, "yes, later. yes, later." and sometimes i actually stop and feel a little ashamed, cuz i can't actually pinpoint when later will actually be.

and then today. that moment. that JUST happened.

...

i was me. i didn't even realize i hadn't been until i was again.

i imagine...

oh hai blog!

what's that? you feel that i've been blatantly neglecting you? thinking about you constantly, yet avoiding you like the plague the way a 13 year old girl with a crush would? ok, i was gonna lie. i was gonna say it's your imagination, you're a bit melodramatic, and seriously, i only like you as a friend. but we both know the truth.

i've been avoiding you, blog. and it's because i've gone ahead and set up stupid impossible standards that only exist in my mind... again.

you see, i've put you on this pedestal, blog. and now i can't just dribble out some mundane pablum. we're beyond that now. we've done better. and to go back to the drivel... it just seems like an injustice!

and so i've chosen to neglect you in favor of sparing you worthless nonsense. but can you blame me, blog? really?

so, because i'm a complete fucking psycho (or that's what all the evidence indicates, in any case) i've taken on a new collab project. and i'm covering history. now this really, in all seriousness, is NOT a big deal. unless you're me and you've decided that paranoia is necessary in all aspects of your life.

so do i simply say, "hey! i'll give the wiki randomizer a spin till i find something i like, research it further, then vlog about it"? of course i fucking don't! do you see any nail biting, lip chewing, or nervous ticks developing with that method? NO! so, clearly, not the choice for me.

ok, so i don't bite my nails, nor do i have any nervous ticks, but i do chew my lips. and just give it some time! with a little diligence (and continuance of my current habits) i'll get there! have a little faith, yeah?

and if you don't believe that i can turn any situation into a panic attack, just take this blog as an example. it's simple really. think of something, write about it. but no. i have to think, "later, when i have time. i'll research it and make it really good." and instead there's no post at all.

so from here on in, here's to not making such a big frickin' deal about everything.

and now that i've put everything into perspective, thus clearing all of the ridiculous anxiety clouding my mind, i've figured out, during the writing of this post, what the next 2-3 5BD videos will be about.

thanks, blog. you're such a good listener! and you always know just what to say.

???

why?



why would i want to read a blog called "my life is crap?" that obviously isn't gonna be much fun! plus, maybe we could try proper capitalization when naming our blogs? just a suggestion.